Training Tips

QUESTION: Hi Sylvia, It's already been a week since I've had some of those "ah ha!" moments. Regarding work/my job, I have been struggling with staying or leaving for awhile and I believe that I will be leaving within the next four months. In the past I have not been afraid of leaving my job. I left a big job in DC, moved to Australia and lived for a year there; for some reason this change now has been more difficult. I'm older now and wondering when I will find the right job, which launches me into another personal puzzle of "Do I just need an attitude adjustment?"

Anyway, I also looked at my home life and wondered why I wasn't too thrilled to be coming home after riding. Two days after you sent your last email about the three items which might be the cause, I had a really good heart-to-heart with my partner about our ongoing issue. It's not totally resolved, but we at least had good open communication and understanding about it. Whew! I feel like personally I'm being challenged to change and own up to some things...especially my attitude. And perhaps in the end that is all I need--- to change! :)

I just had a HUGE insight just now - I hope you don't mind if I blab on...but this is great. Tonight I went to ride (I call him my mule because I'm the only one who rides him, but he really belongs to my friend's husband) and as I was getting ready to ride I was thinking about the 1 thing I wanted to accomplish in the ring. Having just learned the importance of the one-rein stop, I thought that would be a really good thing to work on. This one-rein stop became a very difficult thing for this mule to do. He just continued walking in a circle. For about 10 rotations or so, I was quick to release him when he stopped and relaxed. I worked on both sides and also did a few other things in the ring, but everything felt like a struggle and that I was pushing him to do things he wasn't getting. We ended on a good note of opening and closing a gate perfectly. My insight is that I have been feeling that sense of pushing and not getting anywhere. He totally reflected back to me the place I am in. Good insight!

And my lesson is to lighten up and allow things to unfold and relax! Thanks for listening, Syl. I appreciate it!

REPLY: There you go! You're getting it! I think the older we get, the more we realize that life is about letting go and letting things unfold more naturally, in a natural order kind of way, which isn't always on our pre-set agenda necessarily. I kind of learned that via raising 3 kids to adulthood. Kids have a way of teaching you that (if you are ready to learn), but horses do too! Every horse I work teaches me something new. And I've learned so much in natural horsemanship that then translates outward positively to all my human-to-human relations.

And re your "relationship talks" -- I've been married 36 years to my husband (1st & only marriage for the both of us). And being married that long isn't necessarily about you're some kind of "magical couple" or something -- we hit the same speed bumps everyone else hits in life. Life is a bumpy ride period! But I think those bumps are simply: learning opportunities.

But the real secret to relationships lasting longer is: you learn the skills for working out problems/conflicts via talking about them when you get to those speed bumps. Never does any good to try to bury them or run from them, etc.; they have a way of surfacing and resurfacing (and resurfacing and resurfacing...) until you bring them out into the open to resolve them/smooth them over, paving the way for a healthier relationship.

You're probably seeing that firsthand right now. And you're right...some of the resolution is about them changing AND some of it is about us changing, in positive directions. That's called: growth. And each time you get past the bumps via open communication, on the other side of the hill, things are sooooo much better and the relationship climbs to an even higher/better plateau than before, amazingly.

Open communication is the key. My husband & I talk about problems before they are even allowed to BEGIN to fester. They are right out there in the open from the first sign of an issue, and that's the secret. And the best way to approach talking about something that's bothering you with a partner is to use "I feel" messages, more than "you do this..." messages. No one can argue about feelings! Feelings just "are."

And also learning the skills for "active listening" helps. Active listening involves just listening to your partner when it's his turn to talk (take turns, no interruptions), then immediately feeding back what you think you hear there ... like this. "Okay...what I hear you saying is, you don't like it when I do [blah blah]. It makes you feel [blah blah]." This way, the partner feels heard (even if you don't agree at first!) and this lessens arguing. Arguing gets you nowhere, especially if you're both strong individuals, like my husband & I are (both alpha/"leader types"). But validating what the other says before plunging in with our own "I feel" message, keeps things on a productive ground and not escalating to unproductive fighting. I can't remember the last time my husband & I fought. Seriously. We don't fight. But we DO discuss or air our grievances, via that route, when needed. Then no one feels cornered or threatened, and we do feel "heard." And out of that comes a more mutual resolution to the issue.

And the interesting thing is...going this route...you don't necessarily resolve the issue right then & there, in that first discussion. Sometimes you do, but often you don't. But the fact that you got it out in the open, non-judgementally, and non-attackingly, using "I feel" messages....well...when you step back & away from it for a day or so (or however long), the issue starts to resolve itself, all by itself. Because: no good partner wants to make the other partner feel in a negative way. You've shared how you feel. He/she can't argue with how you feel. You feel what you feel. I like to use this analogy sometimes:

An attorney is arguing in court a very serious case. Suddenly he brings up evidence openly that doesn't really have legal merit in this particular case. Like: he brings up a case against the accused that later got dismissed in court on technicalities. The opposing attorney quickly jumps up & objects, to the judge. The judge immediately sustains the objection, then turns to the jury and says, "the jury will disregard the last statement." The jury nods. But do they disregard it? Nope! How can they? It's in their heads now. No such thing as a "brain eraser" there. It's a common ploy some attorneys use to win a case, because...they know even if an objection is sustained by a judge, the jury, though instructed not to admit it as evidence, simply can't get themselves to disregard what they heard.

Okay...getting conflicts out in the open with "I feel" messages, the partner can't argue with something like: "Huh uh! You don't feel that way," now can they? Because, feelings are feelings, they just are, whether they agree or not. The partner might fall into a pattern of arguing with your feelings in the "not my fault" mode, but guess what? You got the feelings out there and "the jury" can't disregard what was said/what was heard ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS. They walk away with that and it soaks.

Meaning: work to get the problem(s) out in the open with "I feel messages" and active listening skills (so they feel heard too), and though you may not reach resolution right then & there (someone inadvertently wishing to come out the winner there)...doesn't matter. Do the opening up as peacefully as you can, honesty about your feelings, then let it "soak." The partner ("jury") cannot disregard what was said about your feelings, and he will start working on improving the areas of conflict, and so will you, because you cannot disregard what the other said in his "I feel" messages either. The mistake people make when trying to resolve conflicts in relationships, I think, is trying to "win." No one wins. If you win (literally), you lose. Meaning: you'll win the battle, but you'll lose the war because the other partner now feels mad/angry/negative and even if you think you won, you just pushed your partner farther away via insisting on winning. Get it? I know you get it because your last discussion with your partner there is now inside of you...soaking...and it has you thinking about making some growth changes in yourself, so...it was productive. And on the other side of all of it, your relationship will be EVEN BETTER than it was before.

I rest my case. ;-)

Another tip that I'd like to pass along that has worked extremely well for us, and others I've passed this to: Allow "start overs." Remember when you were a kid and were playing maybe outdoors with other kids, some game, and conflict entered the picture, etc.? Remember when no one could figure out who was right or who was wrong and you finally decided: "let's start over." Well...it works in partner relationships, too. Sometimes, when things have escalated too far negatively over the line into very unproductive territory (especially winning the battle, but losing the war scenarios), and doesn't seem to have a clear resolution in front of you because feelings got hurt...well...simply saying then...or the next day..."hey, let's start over!" is incredibly powerful! So powerful it puts everything back on an even keel from the get go. It says, no one's right, no one's wrong, this got crazy here for a bit, let's just forget about it and start over." Grasp that, and even be the instigator of the "start over" and you'll have a very, very powerful tool to draw upon in your "relationship tool bag." And if you can laugh when saying, "hey, let's start over," you're even more way ahead in the game.

Don't know how much this helps you hearing this, but those are just skills we use that work really well to resolve conflicts and it's worked for me for 36 years in my marriage (and we've been together since we were 16). He's my best friend, and vice versa. If you're not best friends with your partner, then work to break down the walls that might prevent you from being best friends. It's a waste of precious life time to NOT be living with your best friend in life. And you don't have to be alike in every way to be best friends with your partner. My husband and I are alike in some ways, but very, very different in others. That keeps it interesting, I think. That's when you respect each other for your differences, as "interesting people." You each bring unique things into the relationship that keeps it so interesting. I think my husband is the most interesting person I've ever known and he never ceases to amaze me with how interesting he is BECAUSE he's got differences from me. Make sense?

Re teaching the one-rein stop...I teach all that on the ground first, before introducing it in saddle, so the horse can more easily connect the dots. Here's a link on my site how I teach that: http://www.naturalhorsetraining.com/TrainingTips94.html

Don't ever hesitate to back up a lesson, climb down off the horse (mule) when they hit that clueless spot too hard, and break it down into smaller baby steps on the ground. There's honestly not one thing in saddle that I want the horse to know that I can't more easily teach him on the ground first, so it's easier to understand. Stay off linear mode (too goal-focused), and stay in the moment-mode-focused, working to read the horse. Think more about helping the horse than about yourself, if that makes sense. Keep ego (your own agenda) out of the picture as best you can, and keep your brain on "helping the horse" mode and it works better. And that's probably what the cosmos is having your mule teach you right now. That very concept. ;-)

Maybe (just a guess)...some of the conflict you're having with the administrative folks side of your job is because you're remaining on "own agenda" mode. Try this, just as you try it with your mule: spend the next several days with the only inner agenda inside of you being: how can I help you here to make things better for you?" Work to think only about their feelings, not your own. It's a higher-plain way of living/being. Takes practice, but put it into effect there for a few days and see what unfolds. That IS how you get to the lighten up & relax life spot. It's "in the moment" existing, and regarding other's feelings as important to us, and showing them that.

It's all connected. See it?

See...the truth is...The cosmos is actually...not about us. It's about: how we can help others, I truly believe.

Will leave that last thought with you to soak. ;-)