Training Tips

QUESTION: Dear Sylvia, When I was in my teens, my sister and I had a wonderful horse. I don't recall ever being afraid of him or the other horses at the barn, unless we were trail riding and he spooked. For that reason, my sister usually rode our horse on trails and I rode the twenty-something year old plug. When I went to college and my sister and I could no longer keep our horse, we sold him. Ever since then, I vowed that one day I would have another horse in my life - that time was so special. Being at the barn and spending time with our horse made me so happy and peaceful.

I'm now in my mid-forties and finally reached the point in my life when having another horse has become a reality. We recently got my new horse, a 15-year-old quarter horse, from the trainer my cousin's daughter rides with. He has a sweet personality and is very pleasant to be around. The circumstances around him coming to us happened rather suddenly - his previous owner just wanted him to have a good home, so she gave him to us. I rode him before I decided to take him and he was a joy to ride. I never had him checked by a vet prior to taking him (my error, I know) because they said he never had a problem - was always very hardy. The day after he got to our barn, I longed him and noticed he was a little off. Three days later, he was lame on the front right and back left leg. I had the vet check him out and she feels he has a stifle injury. We decided to try him on bute for a week with rest and then reevalute - might try Adeuan next.

I say all this because over the past few weeks since I've had him, I've developed some real fears being around him. I feel nervous leading him in the ring (I've been walking him almost every day for about 20 minutes just to keep his joints supple) or from the field. In the ring, he spooked a few times - I'm not sure why - so now I'm anticipating it and I know he senses that. Yesterday, I turned him out in the ring and just stood there and watched him. There were noises on the roof, cars going by outside, all kinds of sounds, and he barely flinched at any of them. But as soon as I put the lead line on and started walking him, he spooked again. I'm fairly sure that I'm the source of his anxiety, but I don't know how to overcome my fear. I never felt like this around horses before. I'm afraid to ride him, because I'm afraid he'll get nervous and take off with me.

Last nite I was in tears over this - I've wanted a horse for so long, and he's a good boy, and it just seems like nothing has gone smoothly since he came. I don't know if I can overcome how I feel. I don't want him to become so nervous that he can't be someone's partner - even if it isn't mine. My husband says to just lead him around and not think about it so much. I don't think he understands that my fears are rooted in the fact that this animal could hurt me if he's afraid, and that I'm projecting that fear. Any confidence I had in my abilities has gone by the wayside because of all that's happened since he came. I feel like I have little strength left to draw from. I'm sorry to go on and on, I just don't want to give up, but I don't know what to do. I was reading about your training series and I wondered if that addresses the concerns I have. I don't mind putting the money out for something that will help, but I'm starting to feel so discouraged, that I'm afraid to put my hope in anything - I just feel like I keep getting let down. I'm at the point where I feel like walking away from horses altogether. I'd appreciate any advice you might have.

REPLY: Thanks so much for writing and spelling everything out so clearly. My heart really goes out to you. Believe it or not, I get it, way more than you may realize. And I even know how to lead you out of that dark tunnel. I totally understand this. All of it. And I'm going to start right here.

But first I'm going to sidestep and address your husband because I noticed you used his email address here (guessing that you share an email address?): telling a woman not to think about something that is bothering her immensely is never the route to go. Ever. :-) It brought to mind as I was reading --- a couple of years ago my youngest/daughter, Alisha (now 21), had to have major knee reconstruction surgery after she broke her knee and tore away completely her ACL in a sports accident (the surgeon had to rebuild a new ACL from her own tissue farther down her leg). This was major, major multi-hour surgery that took about a year to recover from completely. When she came home from the hospital/operation, and about the time her numbing anesthesia was wearing off, her boyfriend at that time showed up at the house. Alisha was getting creamed suddenly by an immense level of pain and started crying and her boyfriend shot out, "oh just don't think about it!"

Don't think about it???? The child had just had, only hours ago, the worst knee surgery you can have, all the anesthesia is now wearing off, the pain meds weren't kicking in properly yet, and he thinks that saying "don't think about it?" is going to work there???? Alisha started crying even harder.

I grabbed that boy by the scruff of the neck, dragged him out of the room and told him, "I want you to remember this moment, this speech, for the rest of your life, because it will serve you well. Never EVER tell a woman 'not to think about it.' What you are doing when you say that is judging her pain and completely dismissing it. That will never work for you in life, not for most people and certainly not for any woman I know on this planet. Another's pain is to be acknowledged and held in your heart with only compassion. We're going to work together now to get on top of Alisha's pain and we are going to hold her and love her and not judge it negatively, but only be there to serve her all we can until she's past this difficult period."

I then explained to him, because he'd never had an operation or anything majorly medical before himself, just what that level of pain felt like. Poor guy didn't know what hit him, but this was my daughter, my baby and I was in a "I'll be damned if anyone is going to do anything around her right now that insensitively dismisses the immensity of what she's going through and does further damage." Mother lionness. But I'm also right. Dismissing someone's physical or mental pain with "don't think about it" just doesn't work on this planet. Especially not with women. Ever. I needed your husband to see that analogy, because actually...it's no different from what you are going thru there really. Emotional pain is as painful as physical pain. And when someone that we need to lean on dismisses that pain away too perfunctorily, it actually escalates the pain.

I want you to share this with your husband (if you feel comfortable, of course) because he needs to co-support you with me here, help me with my mission to get you past this pain once and for all, for good. And it is pain, I feel it right there with you. What you need from your husband right now is to listen and listen and listen to you (take his watch off, it takes as long as it takes) and just listen empathetically. Via your having that non-judgemental sounding board in him, with him not going to the "quick fix/don't think about it" dismissal route (which he's doing out of love, I know; he hates seeing you suffer), you'll find your way out of this dark tunnel. We need a team approach here. I need him to be the "hugging you through this, just listening" member of the team and him supporting me supporting you; I'll do that as well, but I'm also going to take charge, like I'm the "tunnel guide" carrying a flashlight ahead of you, to show you step by step the route out of this dark tunnel of overwhelming fear, etc. Repeat: I understand all this more than you know. I see it far more often than you might realize. And I've honed a route to help people out of that spot, and I also do this with all my heart. So, envision a flashlight I'm holding here in your dark tunnel, and follow the beam with me. Let me guide here and you'll be out of this confusing tunnel before you know it!

Let's get started getting you past this, proactively.

What the source of your fear right now is (I see it all real clearly, don't worry) 1) Fear of the unknown/what your horse "might" do that then leads to: 2) You don't know what to do to prevent that from happening and then: 3) self-preservation alarms then blare loudly which produces a "flight" response in us.

We do not manually turn off those alarms, but they will shut off all by themselves when no longer needed. So, don't kick yourself for having good self-preservation alarms. That's what keeps us surviving in the world. Do not turn them off manually, the alarm will stop blaring when the real problem is fixed.

So let's just get busy tackling #1 & #2 above. Those both are about: lack of knowledge. It's honestly that simple, though I know it doesn't feel that way. Knowledge empowers. Greatly, in this case, with horses. You just don't know what you don't know yet, and that's the first step in the learning curve, to me, of learning natural horsemanship. Cool! You're on the first step. :-)

I want to stop here and direct you to a link on my web site -- read this before proceeding here: http://www.naturalhorsetraining.com/TrainingTips34.html (focus in especially on the learning curve steps I go over there).

So, you have just been on Step 1 earlier, but quickly already you are easing into step 2. That's the step/point that fears can erupt, especially in adults. Why didn't you feel this level of fear when you were a child? Because you were a child/not an adult, and as adults we get wiser as we go along. We suddenly realize our frailties and wouldn't dream of putting ourselves in danger any longer. That's not stupid, that's not wimpy, that's SMART, that's wisdom! Pat yourself on the back for having good self-protective alarms! :-)

And THAT'S the step/point that we need to stop and get very tangible help to get us to the next step. You're simply in paralysis in Step 2, but that's okay. It made you hit bottom inside yourself and then reach out for help. You did great then there! See it? :-) Reaching out for help is the fastest way to get us moving forward to Step 3, and then finally to 4.

I really want you to understand all I've said so far, and reread this if necessary. I want to get you feeling first that it's OKAY to be scared simply because you realize that "you suddenly know what you don't know/can't do." And that it's OKAY to allow those self preservation alarms to blare---they're not your enemy, they're there to keep you safe in life. Repeat: those alarms will stop blaring by themselves when they are no longer needed, so don't worry about that part.

It's kinda like...a smoke alarm in your home. It starts blaring when there is smoke, right? And that's a very good thing! It's there to protect us, so we can be aware there is smoke (potential danger) that needs to be addressed, and once we get rid of the source of the smoke (danger), the alarm turns off all by itself, no longer needed. When working with horses, we never manually remove that smoke alarm inside us. It's there to protect us and it's there to tell us at times..."beep, beep, beep, a problem needs to be addressed here!" And we stop in our tracks and address the problem, never ignoring the alarm. It will turn off all by itself when the real problem is fixed.

What we need to get busy doing here is: self-empowering you with information and very immediately-usable step by step (clear/easy!) techniques for you to apply, to learn how to fully manage your horse as his leader, to remain the safest you can be at all times (and knowing you are safe) and your horse looking lovingly and trustingly to you for leadership at all times. You are going to become your horse's leader, him the more submissive follower, and via learning the skills to do that, you will automatically grow inner confidence, you'll see! Confidence replaces fear (they're kind of opposites, so cannot really exist together). So what I'd like to work on with you for a start is you focusing on: do not be riding focused in your mind right now. We are only going to get you "ground work" focused, so forget for now about putting any inner pressure on yourself to ride. Pretend in your mind (to keep you in this spot) that your horse can never be ridden/he's not allowed to be ridden, he's just there for you to play with on the ground, but your play is going to be productive in a way that 1) builds nothing but confidence in you and 2) calms down your horse and gets him focusing only on you as his leader, no matter what is going on around him at all times. You are never going to ride this horse until you are 100% confident with everything/every direction on the ground and actually...not until you're downright bored with the ground work. ;-)

Keep yourself from this point forward right in that spot, for now.

I'm going to give you an exercise to work on immediately here (as soon as you feel up to it/no pressure) with your horse, but before I go into it, I would actually greatly like to recommend that you think about getting my Complete Package because that is going to get you "there" the fastest and it has the videos AND tools you need to apply my program the most effectively and the most streamlined. I consciously designed my program to be so user friendly that even fearful beginners have immediate success, but also my focus is 100% on safety at all times. Think about that, because I am so not trying to make $ off of you, but only about focusing here on bringing you out of that dark tunnel and into the light so that you CAN be enjoying your horse like you have long fantasized. All that's missing is: knowledge. And knowledge is very, very empowering, in this category especially. I'll hold your hand all you want in this process; I'm always just an email away if you ever have further questions while following my DVD program.

I want to show you an exercise that I want you to work on immediately -- it ideally has to be done in a natural horsemanship halter/12' lead rope (tied on/not clipped on) -- I honestly will not train a horse without that crucial tool, it's that important. If you don't have one, it does come in my Complete Package so you might hold off doing this exercise until you get that important tool. Here's the exercise I want you to focus in on the next time you are with your horse (I also go over this exercise in even greater detail, and visually in my Whispering Way™ 12-Step Total Training System DVD set): http://www.naturalhorsetraining.com/TrainingTips31.html

The reason why I want to you to focus in on that one particular exercise, for a start, is: not only will it make your horse far more ground safe when you are leading him, but it will also build immense immediate confidence in YOU that you actually do have full control of your horse's feet on the ground at all times and you'll quickly see that he can never then hurt you on the ground, because you'll have a "tool" in place from then on, to protect yourself at all times. And you'll find that your "smoke alarms" will start shutting off all by themselves when you master this (actually really easy) exercise. Let's get you doing that first and do think about getting the Complete Package, because that way we can get you even faster onto the confident track and feeling happy about your horse again! As you watch the videos you are going to get re-excited, re-enthused, confidence mounting again, you'll see! You can do this! I believe that with all my heart. Please don't feel alone with this. I understand it all more than you know. Happy to help you all I can.